Vol. 37 No. 7 - I AM the Witness

Vol. 37 No. 7 - I AM the Witness - February 13, 1994

I AM the Witness

A Major Victory over My Self-Destructive Behaviors

Dearest Mother,

I am happy to write to you of some of the progress I have made since receiving your last counsel, and to thank you for your mighty calls on my behalf.

This past summer was a major victory for me as right diet triumphed over self-destructive eating. I worked with the macrobiotic principles and lost burdens of excess weight and painful records. Rewardingly, I feel and look better and am better able to serve. It was also a victory for me as I stood firm in not engaging a previous relationship that was so troublesome to me last year. I am grateful for all the tools we have been given to help us work on our psychology and for the grace of God, which has made these victories possible.

Having done battle with my self-destructive behaviors, I came face to face with the core substance from which they were spawned–core anger and unresolve with the Father God. Seeing their deadly consequences on my soul, I have persevered in unraveling the many threads so that I may remove every fiber from my being.

I discovered a repressed pocket in consciousness in which there revolved a vicious cycle of being at enmity with God, believing God was at enmity with me, and being at enmity with myself in continuous unresolve. Aeons ago in the poison of pride I rebelled against God and his laws, crying tyranny under them. Later, in the same pride, I still could not bow to the law–the law of forgiveness. I could not forgive myself. Nor would I accept my Father’s forgiveness.

The tyranny I ascribed to God became my own, which I hurled against myself in criticism, condemnation and judgment, unrealistic demands for perfection, and virtual negation of my needs and worth. In that pocket I felt unloved and uncared for. I was a mean inner adult to my inner child.

Most of this life, and probably previous lives, I have been an unwitting prisoner of this consciousness, subject to its subtle draining and demoralizing effects on my will, energy, productivity, and every area of my life. Yet I never consciously knew it existed until in recent months the beast fully awakened to be consumed in the fires of God’s love. At first, not recognizing the anger as my own, I projected blame back upon God and all outer authority, including my department head and “the Church” (which term I now realize people use in a derogatory way when they are actually referring to you, dear Mother), for which I sincerely and deeply apologize.

The discomfort of this misguided conflict finally became the catalyst for reaching a true understanding of the matter. After days of “wrestling with the angel” and not letting go until I had my victory, I found at the core a deep pain of unresolve with God–and most wonderfully!–an incomparable joy at the present possibility of transcending that state.

Oh, the wondrous mercy of God!

As I extend mercy to myself and accept that of the Father, aeons of healing are taking place. Happily, I have made peace with my department head and resolved the whole sense of the tyrant being something outside myself. I know I can have a total healing as long as I go and sin no more, eliminating the poison of pride along with the flip side of the coin–low self-esteem.

I humbly apologize to the Father God and take responsibility for clearing the records of lifetimes of misuse of his energy in being at enmity with him. With profound repentance, I apologize for the burden this has placed on you and the Community. And I sincerely apologize to beloved El Morya, my father, for the offense my conflict with the Father has been to him, and for the block it erected to his love for me and his will being done through me.

I thank you in profound reverence for all that you stand for–and for standing and still standing for the victory of my soul.

Sincerely,

A chela in the making

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