Vol. 36 No. 11 - I AM the Witness

Vol. 36 No. 11 - I AM the Witness - March 14, 1993

I AM the Witness

Home at Last!

Beloved Mother,

I have never told you my story. I thought that you might like to hear it. I also wanted to tell you how much I appreciate being a member of your staff and what being a part of this Community means to me.

I remember leaving the Mystery School a long time ago. It is a dim memory but I recall saying to my beloved that I wanted to leave. I was frustrated and wanted some excitement. I thought that I was only going to be gone for a little while. My beloved cried. He knew that it would be longer. I was proud and did not want to lose face. I insisted that I was going and so I left.

I think that it has been many lifetimes since I have been in a Mystery School of the Brotherhood. When I left I had no idea that the journey would take me so far or that it would take so long to get back. I don’t think that anyone knows this when they leave the Brotherhood or the Path. But my twin flame knew.

As a little girl in this life, I lay on the beach one day and saw a glimpse of the greater plan. I became worried that I might get lost again and forget. I prayed to Jesus and the saints to keep me on course. From then on I looked for the Path. I longed for peace, constancy and stability. I no longer craved excitement. I had had my fill of it. It had not brought me what my soul really desired.

Ten years ago I returned to the Mystery School in this life. It was Maitreya’s Mystery School at the Inner Retreat. The same old feelings arose within me. My own dweller-on-the-threshold did not want me to stay. I did not seem to experience all the joys of the Path that other chelas did. This joy came later for me.

At Summit University I began to understand some of the problem. In his January 27, 1985 dictation, “Remember the Ancient Encounter,” the Ascended Master Kuthumi gave teaching on the dweller-on-the-threshold (1985 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 9). He explained how we have created the dweller-on-the-threshold and what it means to slay that dweller.

Over many lifetimes, by free will in our words, actions and desires, we have created momentums that have built the antithesis of Self. Through ignorance, absence of tutoring and just plain forgetfulness, we have made wrong choices and created our own electronic belt of misqualified energy.

Kuthumi said: “In the eye of that vortex of misqualified energy...is the point of consciousness and identity that emerges as the collective consciousness of all misdeeds....Thus, the collection of actions has a collective consciousness, and the dweller is the collective manifestation of all that has been in error. It emerges as an identity....This identity is the impostor of the soul and of the Christ Self.”

The Ascended Masters and the Messenger come to woo the soul away from unreality so that the soul can begin to see through its own Christ intelligence what is unreal. Kuthumi continued:

The action to deny that which is unreal is fraught with the burdens of the individual’s psychology. And thus, sometimes hard lessons–burning in the trial by fire, pain in this world–must convince the soul that Life is more important and therefore that one must let go of certain situations and conditions and beliefs and comfortabilities.

We move the soul as close to the precipice of knowledge of Absolute Good and Absolute Evil as is possible, at the same time to preserve the integrity of the soul and not to cause that one too much fear, too much awareness of the great Darkness within that opposes the great Light.

Thus, beloved hearts, the slaying of the dweller. Not all at once but little by little. And this is something you should be aware of, though you have been told before. Each day, according to the cosmic cycles, a little bit of the head of the dweller emerges above this dark pool of the electronic belt. It is a still darkness, and one can see perhaps the head or the ear or the eye or the nose of this dweller, this self-created monster. You see this, then, in your own actions and reactions. You see it in the musings of the mind–sometimes only a telltale ripple on the surface or perhaps the tail when the beast has dived to the bottom.

Thus, you must listen and watch what is lurking. And as soon as you find a tendency to fear, to be jealous, to become angry or whatever, go after it as the tip of the iceberg! Work at it! This work is truly a profound work of the Spirit. It is not easy always to be on the path of confrontation.

Kuthumi offered us his assistance. He announced that he had received the dispensation and assignment from Lord Maitreya to help each of us individually in our physical health and in the healing of our psychology. He said, “From this hour, if you will call to me and make a determination in your heart to transcend the former self, I will tutor you both through your own heart and any messenger I may send your way.”

I took Kuthumi’s offer to heart and called to him whenever I needed help. I found that Kuthumi’s assistance was indeed ever present.

When I first arrived at the Royal Teton Ranch, I met the person whom I was destined to marry in this life–but I did not know it at the time. I remember our first meeting. An inner voice said to me, “This is the person that you should marry.” But I said to the voice, “No, I don’t think so.” I did not think that he was the person for me. I was still proud. I totally forgot this conversation until years later. By that time we had been married for six months. During a staff decree session to beloved Mighty Astrea, I recalled that an inner voice had indeed spoken to me when we first met.

I stayed for two levels of Summit University. At the end of Level II you said to me, “I wish that you would not go.” Perhaps you could see that if I left again I might be lost once more. I said to you, “I love you, Mother, but...” Then I explained that there was a course of study that I thought I had to pursue. I later heard you say that recorded on many reels of your Christ mind were the words spoken by chelas: “I love you, Mother, but...” And the “but” was the alternative to the will of God.

Jesus and Magda dictated at the end of our quarter of Summit University, December 7, 1984. The dictation was entitled “A Torch of Responsibility” (1984 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 62). Jesus spoke of twin flames who had left the Mystery School and how the Masters have provided here at the Royal Teton Ranch what they consider to be the safest matrix for the resolution of inequities within us, the mastery of our psychology and the building of the Deathless Solar Body. Jesus gave us what he called “the great gift of our heart”–the coil of fire:

Now I come with Magda and we offer unto you the great gift of our heart. And we desire, therefore, to explain this gift. In the past we have noted that some who have desired to give of themselves were not fitting candidates because of momentums of the human consciousness. A portion of the self desires to serve; the other portion of the self desires to be in the world, whether because of its karma or because of habit or because of desire–all of which amount to the same thing: the cause/effect cycles in Matter.

Thus, there is an expression of a willing heart. Thus, there is the pulling back from the level of the subconscious by the not-self that will not say die. And the soul betwixt the two is not able to resolve [the dilemma]. And therefore, because of the pressure of its own karma, the soul must go forth–out the door, out the gate. It must separate itself from the fiery altar because the very not-self is so resistant to the descent of the Great God Self.

Now, beloved ones, this presents a serious problem for the Community as well as for the Messengers. For the Messengers have no desire to wrestle with those who have not wrestled with themselves. And therefore, they cannot retain as a part of their staff and as a part of the community of co-workers those who have these unalterable divisions and these dichotomies.

This, therefore, is our commitment and our gift–that those who find they have the division within the members, pulling this way and that–which the apostle Paul spoke of so understandingly, so personally and so poignantly–may then call to us and ask for the transfer of the coil of fire.

Note the word: coil of fire–the coil of myself and of beloved Magda representing the Alpha, the Omega. When these are meshed, they form the divine caduceus. These two coils are of gold. They are of gold as you would visualize golden wire of the purest, finest quality of gold with no alloy.

Thus, this brilliant, sun-fire gold coil meshed together forms the caduceus of Alpha and Omega. It is not large. These coils are precisely the size large enough to surround each one’s physical spinal column from the base unto the crown.

Now, those sincerely desiring to pass over the dark night and the astral plane of their karma and downward momentums, those who desire to transmute all of this through divine service and chelaship, those who would vow the vow of obedience, chastity and poverty may therefore appeal for this gift. We will supply it.

And by the coil of gold, by this coil of fire, beloved hearts, and by your pursuing the path of the novitiate, of the holy brother and the holy sister of the divine order, you may reach that point, by the coil and by service, of the transmutation of those elements of being that pull in all directions as horses going in diverse corners who will not submit to the discipline of the driver.

Beloved hearts, this has been the knotty problem. This has been the point of confusion. Thus, those who desire to give the most, often have the least to give because there is not this resolution. On the other hand, those who have the most to give and the greatest developed potential professionally often desire not to stay because their desires are to capitalize upon their attainment in the world itself. So you see, beloved hearts, there is a realization that outer attainment is a temptation away from the central altar and the central flame.

Now, we would not interfere with free will by our message this day. We come in answer to your calls to enable you to better come into alignment with your free will by having a superior knowledge and a wisdom, a perspective spanning the ages, and a rightful equation of what truly is in the world.

I did not apply the message. By my own free will, I left the Mystery School after Summit University. As soon as I returned home I realized my mistake. I felt that I had burned my bridges behind me. I sat on my bed and cried. I had to wait another three years before I had the funds and the opportunity to return. In the meantime I had created new obligations that had to be fulfilled. I worked hard, ran a study group for students of the Ascended Masters and had a demanding full-time job. I daily said the mantra “I refuse to be separated from the Mother of the Flame. I refuse to be separated from the children of the Light.”

Our study group held introductory classes for new students every Monday. We rotated the eight lectures from the Handbook for Ministering Servants and held a different class each week. Every eighth week I played your teachings on twin flames and soul mates for the new students. I learned them almost by heart. One gem that stuck in my mind was a statement made by Chamuel and Charity, the Archangel and Archeia of the Third Ray of God’s Love, in their February 14, 1986 dictation (1986 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 26):

“That ye love one another as I have loved you” is the word of your own Christ Self spoken unto you and to your twin flame. For painful as it might be, beloved ones, I tell you, you are separated from your twin flame for one reason and one alone: You have not loved one another as Christ has loved you individually, and therefore the karma has produced the separation.

Let perfect Love cast out the fear of aloneness and separation and parting. Let the violet flame invoked by you be said with the promise, “O God, never again may I injure or hurt or defile or speak unkindly to my beloved.”

But if the beloved be not at your side–oh, listen, sons and daughters of God–how can you atone for the sins of anti-Love? Christ Jesus gave you also the understanding, “Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me.”

The words pierced my heart. I felt that my case was hopeless. I would never find my twin flame and even if I did, he would not want me now. Nevertheless, I applied the teaching and kept going.

At one point I thought that I wanted to marry a certain person, who was also a Keeper of the Flame. I felt I should be married, as people often do at a certain age of life. The wedding date was set but I had the feeling that all was not well.

Not long before the upcoming wedding I had the good fortune to talk to you. I asked you what you thought. You told me that I had free will. When I told you that I really wanted to know what you thought, you told me to do a novena to beloved Cyclopea to discover the truth or error of this relationship. You said that people on your staff sometimes wait many years to find the right person to marry and that I should call for the true representative of Saint Joseph to be my husband.

As you talked to me I realized what I had known in my heart: this person was not for me nor I for him. I broke off the relationship. You advised me to concentrate on balancing my karma and finding the Lightbearers. I took your advice although it was hard for me. I thought I would never marry.

Recently, I happened to see the man I had almost married. He is now happily married with children. We both laughed and agreed that it would have been a disastrous marriage.

I know well the feeling of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I knew that I belonged at the Inner Retreat but did not see how I could make it back. If only I had not left! It is easy to get caught up in other choices and other plans when you are in the world. There is not the same sense of co-measurement. According to the world’s standards, I should have been very happy and even fulfilled. I was doing worthwhile work, but I woke up every day with the feeling that I was in the wrong place for me. I went to bed with that same feeling and I was not happy.

Finally I knew I just had to come back. It took an almost herculean effort. You graciously accepted me on staff. Shortly before I arrived back at the Inner Retreat, my husband-to-be (but he did not know it) was decreeing in a staff Astrea session and had the vivid recall of his twin flame leaving the Mystery School. She had left to look for excitement! He did not know it was me but he forgave me for leaving him. He felt a great sense of relief. Oh, the benefits of the daily Astrea session!

I had a meeting with you before I joined staff. Right after that meeting, I bumped into the man who was to become my husband. He had been on staff for some years by then. This time we “recognized” each other right away. We both knew that we were supposed to be together! Although we had met many years earlier, we had simply been friends. Now suddenly the veil was lifted. But we did not say anything to one another–we each wanted to have El Morya’s blessing.

I do not believe that I would have recognized my future husband so swiftly this time if it had not been for your intercession and the help of the Masters. I think that you lifted the veil of karma for us so that we could see the reality of our relationship.

This was a turning point in my life. I realized in a deeper way that God really did want me to be happy. It was not love at first sight, but it was the inner knowing that you talked about in those twin flame lectures. We fell in love a short time later, and El Morya gave his blessing for us to be married. After we were married we realized that we were twin flames. It has been a joyous path for us.

But as the twin flame lectures told me, finding your twin flame is not the instant solution! Along the way I have had to confront the very causes that I set in motion a long time ago. I have had to go through all of the feelings that I had when I first left the Mystery School. One by one they have surfaced: resentment, anger, a sense of injustice, fear, pride and hurt. There have been times when I thought they would overtake me. But this time no matter what happened, I knew that I was not going to leave. I was going to stay and fight it out. I learned to recognize old records. By God’s grace, the tools have been there to deal with them. It has not been easy, and I know it will be an ongoing process until I make my ascension.

I have received many blessings and benefits on staff. I am a lot happier than I ever was. I know that my health and stamina have improved. I no longer have the recurrent health problems that regularly sapped my energy. It is exciting to see how God meets my daily needs.

I no longer have that nagging feeling that I am supposed to be somewhere else, although my carnal mind and the world consciousness will sometimes try to tell me so. I am learning to distinguish between the real me and the lesser me and to understand how “aggressive mental suggestion” really works. It is a very aggressive force of anti-Love that would try to take each one from the Path.

I have felt especially blessed in the last year. Three recent dictations–by El Morya, Lanello and Lord Lanto–have been key for me. They have answered my prayers for the Masters’ assistance in dealing with my psychology.

El Morya’s teaching on anger in his December 13, 1992 dictation, “A Report” (1992 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 68), helped me tremendously. El Morya explained that some form of anger against God is present in almost everyone without exception. The elements of anger are often hidden or suppressed to unconscious levels because we will not face up to the fact that we have anger against Almighty God. El Morya said that we often transfer that anger to others–either to a spouse or to a child or even to our own inner child, or soul–or we may direct that anger against the Messenger or the Church.

El Morya said that we may have resentment because we feel we have been dealt a raw deal in life or because events did not happen in our lives as we wanted them to. This residual anger is based on the very condition of consciousness that will not let go and will not forgive. It is part of the livid anger of our own dweller-on-the-threshold and it can take us from the Path.

When we are stuck at this point, the anger may then manifest as passivity or resentment. It may manifest in every manner of physical disease, emotional or psychological problem, inability to function, alcoholism, sugar and drug addiction, et cetera. El Morya told us:

[Your failure to deal with anger] is an avoidance tactic. [It is your soul] avoiding [her responsibility] to face fair and square that no matter what has ever been done to the soul, it is the soul’s responsibility to deal with her own reaction to what has been done to her.

And if that reaction be anger, anger that is stored and [not surrendered to God], anger not only against individuals who have [supposedly] wronged the soul but also against God, then I say, beloved, you do have a problem. You have a problem and this is where the Path will stop for you.

And I promise you because I love you, because I came this day to give you this enlightenment, that if you do not deal with this unconscious anger, it will be with you until you pass from the screen of life and it will be with you on into your next embodiment and the next and you will not make [your ascension until you deal with it].

El Morya gave us the solution to the problem:

Thus, beloved ones, in the matter of unconscious anger and your dealing with it, I would suggest that when you are far enough along in your group or individual therapy, far enough along in the healing of your inner child, you tackle this.

There must come a day and date in your life when you decide that you want to make your ascension, you want to balance 100 percent of your karma and, having done so, you want to be the master of your own psyche, your own soul, and of all the [karmic] levels and gradations and records of the past. And therefore, [you decide that] this is the hour for absolute resolution with your God.

When you are ready to proceed, beloved, [with tackling your unconscious anger,] because this is a most serious condition, you will need to do so, whether in a group or individually, with a therapist who can guide you. For once you begin to open up this [compartment of the mind], beloved ones, and once you are mindful of [suppressed anger] and watchful for its [subtleties], you will be able to see [the spectre of] anger suddenly come up on the screen of your mind [to trigger your emotions].

And this time you will know that it is not directed at you from without, but you will know that it is coming from within. It is coming up [out of the unconscious] for transmutation. And you already have all the decrees [you need in order] to work with [the momentum of anger], but you also need [a qualified professional on the spiritual path] to guide you through the labyrinth [of your unconscious] and [bring you to] the understanding that bit by bit and piece by piece, [as you consciously deal with the root causes of anger, you can transmute that anger through your surrender to God and with your diligent use of the violet flame]

Another great blessing came on New Year’s Eve, December 31, 1992. Lanello announced a thirty-three-day dispensation in which he would descend with us into “the depths of the subconscious, the electronic belt, the astral plane and the unconscious.” He gave us the “Call to Lanello to Descend the Spiral Staircase” (1993 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 2). This was a timely dispensation for all of us. Lanello said:

Yes, be the deep-sea diver! Go down to those levels and ask to be taken this night not to retreats but to the caverns and canyons of your own subconscious and astral body and the unconscious, beloved. For this is the place that you must now revisit, the place where you who have remained here [in the Community] have the strength to go.

[Yes, you have the strength] to descend with accompanying seraphim and members of the bands of Seven Archangels and to call for the exorcism of those points of darkness, neglected, long-forgotten, that still weigh you down as though you were yet carrying a burden on your back that you carried ten thousand years ago. And indeed you are, but you have forgotten that you yet carry that burden.

On August 23, 1992, Lord Lanto told us that we can find everything that we need for our healing and wholeness right here at the Inner Retreat (1992 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 47). He said:

Sometimes [the planetary effluvia] becomes heavy, beloved, and if you have not decreed from the depths of your being, you feel that weight. Thus, because you, by your single lifestream, hold the balance for so many, the force will gnaw at you: it will try to eat of you and it will attempt to put so much pressure upon you that [you begin to believe] your only recourse against that pressure, your only freedom from it to know peace of mind, is to give in to it. It is then that you decide for this or that seemingly legitimate reason that it is better that you be elsewhere on planet earth[–anywhere else but at the Inner Retreat]!

I discuss this with you, for I know–I am convinced because I see clearly–that as you wait upon the Lord in this retreat, all things will come to you, whether it is resolution of one kind or another or the [specific] therapy you need, or a spiritual quickening and enlightenment. Whatever the seeming lack, you will find it as you rise in the rings of light that move not only outward but upward.

For me this has been so. I have found the parenting classes and the inner child workshops invaluable. I also see a staff counsellor for help, as El Morya recommended.

The Masters have given us the tools to deal with the feelings that emerge from the subconscious. The dweller calls, the decrees and the Guru-chela relationship are there for us to use. Although I may not speak to you each day, Mother, I know you are there to help me if I make the daily call to your Electronic Presence. When I do meet you in the way, you always speak the exact words of wisdom I need to hear in that moment. Even when you talk to us as a group at a service or staff meeting, the Holy Spirit speaks through you to touch each heart personally.

I know that you also minister to us at inner levels. I find that I need to be a student of all life and seek answers through the next Pearl I read or teaching I hear.

I cry tears of gratitude as I write this to you. My sense is that it has been a long, long time since I have been Home. I can understand when people leave the Path or the Teachings or the staff of the Messenger in pursuit of “other things,” but I wish I could tell them how long it may take them to return. In my case it took lifetimes. The “other things” are not as important as keeping the Flame.

Lord Lanto told us in his August 23, 1992 dictation: “Keep the flame, beloved, of the Mystery School and know that each one of you who does tarry here does actually hold the balance for millions.”

I asked El Morya before his dictation on Sunday, December 13, 1992, to give me a sign that I was doing the right thing. I felt that I was but I needed reassurance. Others had told me that I should pursue a certain course of study in which I have an aptitude. The old aggressive mental suggestion again!

Beloved El Morya blessed all of us with his answer. He said at the end of his dictation: “Keep the flame and do not be moved by the outer mind and the lower consciousness that tells you to go here, there and anywhere: Now is the time to stay with me at the altar of our God.”

I know that many staff members and Keepers of the Flame feel that way, too. There is no more important calling.

Mother, I am ever grateful for the heavenly hosts and for your intercession. Truly we are bought with a price.

With deepest gratitude and love,

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