I AM the Witness
The “Nice” Mommy: The Personality Underneath, the Reward, the Price
Dear Mother,
In June I decided that I would finally make a determined effort to face and overcome the momentums of anger I had allowed to mess up my life. Once I made that decision, I was led to two books that helped me greatly. The first was The Inner Enemy: How to Fight Fair with Yourself by Dr. George Bach and Laura Torbet (William Morrow and Company, 1983). The second was Creative Aggression by Dr. George R. Bach and Dr. Herb Goldberg (Doubleday and Company, 1974).
The Inner Enemy shows ways of learning about the different aspects of the individual dweller-on-the-threshold and keeping track of them. The authors’ theory is that we have to accommodate the dweller (they call it a “twerp”) and make deals with it; then we can live in peace with it. From reading this book, I learned that to get a handle on the dweller and eventually defeat it, I had to become aware of how it was influencing me–but I did not buy into the belief that the “twerp” could not be defeated.
Creative Aggression shows ways of dealing with anger, none of which particularly impressed me. What did impress me was Dr. Bach and Dr. Goldberg’s description of personality traits of different types of “nice” people. (M. Scott Peck would have called them “People of the Lie.”) One description in particular triggered a major breakthrough in my consciousness. The description follows (from pages 19-21):
The “Nice” Mommy
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| The “nice” mommy does everything for everybody in the family, and rarely asks for anything in return. She works herself “to the bone,” even when she’s feeling sick, which is fairly often. The house is kept immaculately clean and there is always a favorite goodie cooking on the stove or sitting in the refrigerator. The “nice” mommy worries a lot about everybody: whether they’ve eaten enough, are at home on time, or are dressed properly. She rarely buys clothing, because she doesn’t like to spend money on herself. She is a good listener, particularly to tales of woe and misfortune. Every once in a while, more frequently as the children grow older, the “nice” mommy goes into vicious outbursts. She screams, threatens, calls people ungrateful, and makes everybody feel guilty. There’s no talking to her during these rages. But afterward she calms down and becomes “nice” again. As her children grow older, and the prospect of their leaving home arises, the “nice” mommy often acts as if she may be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
THE PERSONALITY UNDERNEATH The “nice” mommy comes from a strict, moralistic background, where as a child she was told to be seen but not heard. When she became openly angry she was immediately punished for being disrespectful. She was brought up to believe that being a wife and mother were the most important things she could do, and that “good” women always loved their husbands and their children. She wasn’t allowed to develop a mind of her own, or to live independently. She married fairly young, and never really broke the ties with her parents. At marriage she was emotionally still a child. Secretly, she envies her friends who broke away from family ties and experimented, sexually and with freer lifestyles. She feels deprived, and is inwardly very resentful of being a wife and mother. But she has a strong conscience, and would never fully admit this resentment to herself. To keep these feelings in control, and to prove to herself and to others what a good mother she really is, she works herself “to the bone.” Every once in a while, however, her resentment comes pouring through. She says she overprotects her children because she cares so much, but the underlying motive is more to control them, and prevent them from becoming too strong and free. The “nice” mommy feels inadequate, because she was never allowed to develop her potentials. Therefore, she gets attention and importance through her illnesses, aches, and pains. She is unable to gain attention and importance directly, because she is afraid of being directly assertive and saying “I want.” Instead, like a child, she expects to be given to.
THE REWARD The “nice” mommy is told by everybody what a fine person she is, and this reassures her somewhat. She rules the house, and basically everyone is afraid of her, because she makes them feel constantly in debt to her. By always doing things for others, particularly her children, she makes them dependent and keeps them under control. Family problems can always be blamed on somebody else, because her motives are so “pure.” Her being so busy all the time is a permanent excuse for not having to be involved in outside social activities. These would frighten her, because she avoids situations where she is not in complete control.
THE PRICE The “nice” mommy is emotionally very destructive. She gives off confusing indirect messages of “I love you” and “I hate you.” Every time her children show signs of independence, she makes them feel selfish and guilty. After all, “nice” mommy is working so hard. How could anyone even think of abandoning her? She is a powerful tyrant who skillfully utilizes indirect aggression. Her controlling tools are guilt, illness, and “morality.” Even daddy becomes merely a passive shadow who gives up, because there’s no way of winning against “nice” mommy. |
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The above description fits my paternal grandmother to a T. She had a major influence on me, as she lived in the same house with us for most of the first twenty years or so of my life.
When I read this description, I saw that the anger I had was also in my father and my brother and that it had been inculcated in us through my grandmother. I also saw the pattern of my anger and emotional tantrums diagramed on the Cosmic Clock. I recognized them as a perversion of the “yellow cross”: The fuel for the explosion is the misqualifications of the 2/8 (Pisces/Virgo) axis–fear, doubt, human questioning, frustration, anxiety and the sense of injustice. (My sun is in Pisces and my rising sign is Virgo.) The fuse is the perversion of the 11 o’clock line (Sagittarius)–the slow burn of resentment. The fuse is lit by the perversions of the 5 o’clock line (Gemini)–envy and jealousy. The detonation cap is in the center of the clock, manifesting as an attack on my sense of self-worth, which was undermined by my grandmother’s manipulations and my parents’ unwillingness to stand up to her for me.
Since the end of June, I have been making calls on this configuration daily, and the results have been wondrous!
In Creative Aggression, Dr. Bach and Dr. Goldberg also describe how we repress aggressions when we are not allowed or are unable to express them. On page 50 they write:
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| When open aggressive expression or interpersonal encounters are suppressed, either for conscious reasons, such as the desire to be polite or “nice,” or for deeper motivations, such as the fear of angry interchanges, these feelings are not lost. Rather, they are driven underground, so to speak, and re-emerge transformed behind socially acceptable masks. Suppression of the expression of angry feelings may begin a spiral of complicated communication entanglements. For example, a...four-year-old is prevented from expressing resentment, jealousy, and rage over the birth of a sibling. The parents keep informing the child of how lucky and happy he should feel to have a new brother or sister and how naughty it is to be jealous or selfish. To win the parents’ approval, these feelings are repressed. |
When I read the last sentence, I had a vision of “little, wet nasties” floating around in my emotional body waiting to explode at a moment’s notice. I have been making daily calls for the binding and transmutation of all repressed aggressions. I have also been making calls that if it is not the right cycle for me to deal with any specific repressed aggressions that they be gathered together and sealed in a sphere of blue fire until the time appointed by God for me to deal with them.
At the end of July I took a weekend course called Life Training, sponsored by the Kairos Foundation. I learned a number of techniques to help me deal with my psychology. Basically, I learned to listen to what my carnal mind tells me when I am going through disturbing episodes in my life. (This applies to both present events and records of the past that are coming up for transmutation.) Once my carnal mind has vented itself, I can look objectively at what it has said and refute whatever needs to be refuted, which is usually 97 to 99 percent.
I have supplemented the techniques I learned in this course with decrees to the violet flame. This has enabled me to work through a number of events that have been a burden to me most of my life, including experiences in the womb.
You had recommended that I listen to the Steven Acuff tapes on the macrobiotic diet and adjust my diet so that my internal organs would be less burdened. Mr. Acuff mentioned that if a man wanted to lose a great deal of weight, he should refrain from animal protein and bread and flour products for three months. I have been doing this for a month and a half. I lost almost fifteen pounds the first month without even trying. I weigh myself once a month, so my next weigh-in will be at the end of this month.
Since I started making the calls on my psychology and changed my diet, a number of people have told me they have never seen me so “clear” and that my personality has lightened up greatly. I affirm that I do not remember ever being as happy and at peace as I have been these last few months.
I know there is more to deal with and that my battles are not over by a long shot, but I feel confident that with your love and support and the techniques I have learned–along with the violet flame–I will be victorious!
Gratefully, I AM
Preventive Prayer
A few days before the recent tragic plane crash in Amsterdam it crossed my mind that, despite the heavy air traffic over towns, it is a rare occurrence for planes to crash over populated areas.
After the crash, I mentioned to my husband that this thought had occurred to me. Immediately he said, “You should have made the call for the averting of such a situation.”
Knowing full well from the Teachings–and also from experience–that “the call compels the answer,” I know that indeed I should have made the call. Through the intervention of the Ascended Masters, the tragedy might have been averted or mitigated to some degree.
I write this to remind others to heed such thoughts that cross their minds, to treat them as possible warnings and to immediately make the call to the ascended hosts to take command.
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