I AM the Witness
The Process of the Re-Creation of Self
Beloved Mother, Beloved Guru Ma,
In two 1989 dictations Mother Mary instructed us about the importance of working on our psychology. She asked us “to engage in the process of the re-creation of self.” When I heard these messages, I felt great joy. Concurrently my mind said, “Humbug! Just another one of those things that won’t work for me.” Why did I experience such a dichotomy when I was striving for wholeness and healing?
From my childhood–and most likely from previous embodiments–I struggled with a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of syndrome. The happy part of me had a burning zest, enthusiasm and joy for life. The other part had deep dark feelings of insecurity, shame, aloneness and self-condemnation that I could not understand or shake. My outer consciousness questioned, “How can I know for sure what is the real me?” Somehow in an innermost recess of my being I knew the dark part was not the real me. I sought to know how I could be rid of this dark side.
I came into the Teachings of the Ascended Masters the month following Mark Prophet’s ascension in 1973, when I was 20 years old. The wonderful prayers, decrees, songs, devotional services, mantras, lectures and dictations helped me in myriad ways. The dark feelings were still there but not nearly so pronounced.
The Ascended Masters began in-depth teachings on the dweller-on-the-threshold in 1983. With the wealth of material given on this subject since then and the calls for the binding and casting out of the dweller-on-the-threshold, I maintained a certain balance and gained a better perspective on how to deal with these internal incongruities. However, it was not until after the recent few years of work on my psychology that the dichotomy could be dissected and what was really going on pinpointed clearly.
What made this thing so difficult to conquer? Mother Mary in “The Re-Creation of Self” (1989 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 44) gives illumination on this:
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| A psychological problem cannot [normally] be resolved until the individual can take apart the components that make up that problem and in the process actually take apart [and put back together again] elements of the soul and the soul’s personality development in this life and sometimes in previous lifetimes.... Your victory must be won! And this wrestling, as the spiritual work, must be accompanied by a true examination of the components of the psyche, hence the psychology. When you know yourself and know exactly why you have the behavior patterns that you have, I know that you will systematically go after them. |
And in her dictation “Karma as the Causative Factor in the Chela’s Psychology” (1989 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 64), Mother Mary told us that if we tackle our psychology and make our peace with God, we will resolve inner conflicts. She said: “You will resolve tie-ups of energy, the locking up of power that you need in this day and age. You will resolve conflicts that you have not even contacted; [and many] of you would not even recognize [that they] have been sealed in the unconscious.”
Though Mother Mary and other Ascended Masters have given us much instruction to work on our psychology, this was a tough assignment for me. I had seen close members of my family superficially assisted by psychiatry and not be healed. In spite of my skepticism, I earnestly delved into the recommended books and publications, lectures (especially the Dweller on Two Planets series and lectures on positive attitudes) and various dictations on this subject.
I did not know what intense battles lay ahead or the tremendous reward that was to be gained from the victories won in these battles. Does anyone truly know the outcome until they go through it and are on the other side? I never would have imagined it beforehand.
In June 1990 I wrote you a letter about a conflict I had between my mind and my feelings toward someone. A few weeks later I received a response. You had kindly taken the matter to beloved El Morya, who gave me a message that “she is almost ready for me to bring her a husband.” This was an unexpected message, for I had not asked a question about marriage or a husband.
In contemplation of the message, I realized that my psychology had not allowed me to think I was worthy to have El Morya directly involved in the details of my life. This message brought me hope that I might one day be worthy for El Morya to personally come into my life. I became at peace that God’s will would unfold for me.
And so it did. I found myself more loving and kind because of the knowledge that El Morya was so close at hand and that I was worthy of his love. During a conversation we had in November, you told me I needed to work on my psychology and clear the blocks to moving forward on the Path and to bonding 100 percent to El Morya’s heart.
You told me, “You will have to work hard. You will sweat. You will grow weary from the intensity of the battle....You can either blast through the wall [the blocks in consciousness] or scratch at it bit by bit.” You said I could seek professional counseling if I wished. I did seek professional help. This task of tackling an unknown part of myself was overwhelming.
I continued my studies. I went to counseling sessions. More and more study material came to the fore. Two most beneficial books (which were newly discovered by my counselor at the time I was in therapy in early 1991) were Healing Your Aloneness (by Erika J. Chopich and Margaret Paul) and You Don’t Have to Suffer (by Judy Tatelbaum). Both books assisted me immensely. Work with my Inner Child, who I discovered to be my very own soul, was key. The more positive reinforcement and love I gave to this part of myself, the more strong I grew and the more the dark side dissolved. I acquired more and more compassion for others as I learned to have profound compassion for my own soul.
As I went through counseling for the next six months, healing took place at certain levels of my being. This healing came about because I had a firm foundation in the Teachings of the Ascended Masters to support me in the work on my psychology. I decreed, made fiery fiats, used the sword of Archangel Michael, and prayed fervently for heavenly aid.
I cried. I sweat. I grew weary. I went through many months of intense battle. The enemy within was unrelenting night and day. I was willing to take a leap in consciousness but I would not have gone to the places where the work on my psychology took me if it had not been for you, as my Guru, at my side helping me.
When I was going through hours of deep despair, you heard my prayers and responded. Once you comforted me with this message: “I will always be with you. I will never abandon you.” In your outer awareness you did not know I was abandoned at infancy for days, weeks and months at a time when my mother was ill and my father was gone to take care of her. Yet, as my Guru, you knew the full record of my soul and the karma of past lives. You could pinpoint what I specifically needed. You have never abandoned me and I know you never will.
After many months of arduous work, I experienced a number of important breakthroughs. One key vision came during a counseling session. I saw how I had been entrapped by angels who looked “beautiful” in their outer appearance but whose hollowed out eyes showed how dark and ugly they were inside.
When I drew away from them, they jeered, “You will never be like us. We are beautiful and you are not.” I knew they were fallen angels–angels who had once been filled with the Light of God. When they had chosen to go away from God, they lost that Light. Thank God I could finally see that I was not like them. I saw for the first time in a very long time what a beautiful good angel I really am–inside and outside. I even saw my most magnificent, iridescent mother-of-pearl wings!
With intense spiritual work and the use of Archangel Michael’s sword, I started to clear away the tentacles of these fallen angels and other creatures of my own creation, whose insidious attitudes and habits I had accepted. I found a malicious hag, a wicked dragon, and many other nasty critters. You found a hippopotamus lurking around. Why a hippopotamus? I did some research and found out that hippos are big ugly animals with a heavy, thick skin. They weigh a ton or two, wallow in the mud and basically don’t move. Hippos are very dense and dumb. That’s exactly where I was at the time–stuck in the mud! This hippo didn’t budge for many weeks until finally violet flame, Astreas and dweller calls with Archangel Michael’s sword cleared him out.
In the midst of this work you told me of your own work on your psychology. Your story comforted me. Knowing you had to go through much groaning and travail gave me hope that by God’s grace I could get through it too. You explained how everyone in embodiment has a psychology to work through and that it is idolatrous for people to think anyone, including you, does not have to conquer elements in his psychology.
The most stupendous blessings came from this intense work on my psychology. First and foremost, I became worthy of beloved El Morya’s personal intercession in my life and learned to graciously accept the precious blessings he desired to bestow upon me.
A tangible gift El Morya gave me was the ability to be a suitable bride and wife and thereby to have a happy marriage. The man who came along and expressed his love for me was someone I had known for over 16 years. He was the same person I had written about previously because I could not resolve what my mind thought versus what my feelings felt about him.
Initially, I did not permit myself to become deeply involved with this man. After a few months of therapy and hard work, I was still a little uncertain about our relationship. I decided to give the Sacred Ritual for Attunement with God’s Holy Will in the Ashram Rituals regularly for a few weeks, seeking El Morya’s intercession and a solution to my vacillation. When I was able to confirm the Real Me with greater regularity, I resolved that this man was the right person for me to marry. We sought permission from the altar because we wanted to be certain that our mutual choice to be married also met with El Morya’s will.
Even after choosing to be married, I still had a little doubt. One night I prayed fervently to El Morya to know if it was truly his will that I marry this particular man. The next morning I woke with El Morya big as life before me. He had a great twinkle in his eye and a huge smile on his lips. I had never seen him so tangibly before. El Morya, the Master of concise and always meaningful speech, simply affirmed a resounding, “Yes!” And, as you know, the man who is now my husband is also a man of concise speech.
We were married July 1991 in a magnificent ceremony that was a testimony to the vital nature of the Guru-Chela bond, which brings the fruit of Love and gives that Love to others. Because of this Love, our marriage is one of love and grace. Many blessings have come to us. It would not have been this way if I had not gone through the process of healing and the re-creation of self.
I am continuing my study of psychology and work on self-improvement. The key element in my continued work comes from my tie to you, the Living Guru. Why are you, the Living Guru, so important in my life and in other people’s lives?
The Living Guru is the only one who can precisely pinpoint a person’s hidden unrealities, exposing the pitfalls strewn in the way from this and past embodiments and simultaneously giving love and support for that one to gain many victories in his or her spiritual striving toward individual Christhood and Buddhahood.
Enlightenment comes through many avenues–direct encounters with the Guru, experiences in the retreats while people are out of their body during sleep, and in lectures, dictations, Pearls of Wisdom and other printed publications. How often people have exclaimed, “Mother told me exactly what I needed to know!” or “That lecture (or dictation or Pearl) provided the answers to so many of my questions!” A true Guru can intercede in the most minute details of our lives.
For over 18 years I have served on staff and have witnessed countless people from all over the world who desired and received incredible help from you through the various mantles you wear. You extended your full self to assist each and every individual who humbly sought that assistance.
I have also seen those who were not helped because they were unwilling to engage in the process of the re-creation of self. Instead these ones wanted God or you or someone else to do it for them. They did not want to face the pain their own karma might bring them. They did not want the Divine Love that the Guru brings. They were blinded by their own psychology.
On July 1, 1992, our Father Alpha and Mother Omega gave us an unparalleled opportunity:
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| So, beloved, we recruit you where you are and we say, if you truly desire to receive the training of the Gurus of Maitreya’s Mystery School, we shall give it to you as never before. You must understand that neither the Masters nor the Messenger shall interfere with your life one iota unless you request it, unless you implore us and determine that you would like the direct contact and the direct disciplining and the direct love whereby you can be quickly delivered of certain elements of your lifestream that perhaps you are not even aware of yourself. Therefore, beloved, if you will address your letters in writing in the physical octave to me [Alpha] and to my beloved Omega and to the Messenger, stating what level of chelaship you would desire wherever you might live on earth, or whether you enter this Community as a chela, so, then, we shall begin our course. Whether at inner levels or on the outer simply depends on how much the Messenger is able to give on a one-to-one basis. (1992 Pearls of Wisdom, no. 33) |
I hope everyone who desires to have this wonderful contact might know of it and seize the opportunity. I would not be who I am today had it not been for the direct tie to your heart as the Living Guru and, through you, to the hearts of the Ascended Masters and Cosmic Beings. What I see most in you as Guru is what I desire most to be–the Living Flame of Love to all life.
Always Victory from a most grateful
bodhisattva on earth moving heavenward!
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